A Day Battling My Eating Disorder: 10 Vulnerable Journal Entries
Trigger Warning! I’m sharing some entries from my journal about the struggles of my eating disorder – it is full of talk about engaging in eating disorder behavior. Please do NOT read if this will trigger you.
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This is the most vulnerable thing I have ever shared publicly… and that says a lot considering how much of an open book I am! I don’t talk a lot about my eating disorder and if I do it’s never to share the deep dark days of struggling and engaging in it. But that’s changing today – I’m getting real and raw here…
Back in 2022, my eating disorder was out of control again. It was scary, and things were so bad that both my doctor and therapist were talking about having me go into treatment.
Today, I’m bringing some of those journal entries to the world in hopes it’ll give someone a better understanding of the chaos that goes on in your life and mentally when you have an eating disorder.
Saturday, January 22, 2022
Sitting on the couch overlooking the river in Astoria, Oregon. I just got back from a nice long walk on the beach – Cannon Beach (& home of the famous Goonies rock)! This weekend I’m enjoying some alone time. It’s quiet – no TV on, there is no one around – not the dog, the fiance or the roommates. I used to feel guilty for wanting time away, to be by myself – not anymore! This is part of taking care of me mentally.
Anyways, the thing on my mind this weekend as I’m enjoying this alone time, is how bad the binging & purging is. It’s been a lot & I’ve planned it out more than I want to admit. As I’m binging, I can’t stuff the food in my face fast enough! There is this feeling of I can’t get enough, faster, faster. Then the guilt & shame come and knowing just throwing up will make me feel better – both mentally & physically so I do it.
Then I’m caught in the trap of beating myself up for doing it again but knowing food makes me feel better so I binge again… it’s been a vicious cycle but I planned and bought enough junk/food for several days.
I’m angry. Angry at myself for doing this again after not for so many years but mostly angry I can’t just eat whatever the fuck I want & stay a smaller size.
Sunday, January 23, 2022
I thought today was going to be the day I didn’t binge & purge… except, like all the times in the past, it wasn’t. The day was going ok – allowed myself to eat breakfast here at hotel – egg white, spinach omlette, 1/2 biscuit with some gravy, 1/2 orange, bagel w/cream cheese.
I felt guilty about the “bad” food but was okay as I went to walk the beach. I kept pushing myself to walk further & further to offset the food ate at breakfast. Ended up walking almost 3 miles & pushing too much that I aggravated my back.
Then to reward myself, off to get ice cream but I was “good” and only got 1 scoop and in a bowl, not a waffle cone. On the way back to the hotel I decided to grab some food – mashed potatoes & a pot pie because they’re softer and easier to throw up.
So… I binged & purged once I ate all that. Now I sit here upset that once again I allowed myself to get in the revolving door cycle of food making me feel good, then guilty so I puke then feel good because it’s not in my system anymore but then beating myself up for doing the whole binge/purge thing.
And now I need a nap! I don’t know if I’m tired from all the physical exercise or the mental shit going on and the torment I feel about this binging/purging shit. I just know I’m tired and have a headache.
Monday, January 24, 2022
Well I finally opened up and talked to Jaime about the binging and purging. As always, he was supportive and we talked about figuring things out. I told him I already talked to the doctor about it and she recommended therapy and a therapist right in her office (it’s a wellness center and has therapists available).
I got the paperwork filled out and put on the waiting list. Praying she has an opening soon because I’m feeling more and more out of control and the binging/purging is getting worse.
Thursday, February 3, 2022
I find it interesting that just as quick as the binging and purging came on, it went away. Well, it went away when I was sick for several days and in bed. I’m still struggling with the impulse to do it, but somehow, someway, each day I am able to hold back and keep myself from doing it. So effing weird how it came on like a wrecking ball but now its just kind of moved along…
Monday, March 14, 2022
Today was my first appointment with my new and first eating disorder therapist. I was nervous because I wasn’t sure what to expect but things went well. We spent a ton of time talking about my effed up relationship I have with food!
The most powerful thing from today was the ability to admit “I have an eating disorder!” Before today I never said it was an eating disorder just that I struggled with binging and purging, and food issues.
She asked why I thought it wasn’t an eating disorder and I told her because someone who has an eating disorder (in my head) is someone that struggles every day with the issue. And this hasn’t been my experience. Obviously, I’m not thin and the binging and purging comes and goes. But it was so powerful to say “I have an eating disorder.”
Sunday, March 27, 2022
Some things to share with my therapist in tomorrow’s session:
- Food – I obsess and think so much about food. I don’t know how I have time to think about anything else. Only time I noticed I wasn’t thinking about food was when I was out in nature hiking/walking or by the river.
- A big aha was the night I realized I eat if I’m not hungry because I think there won’t be any later.
- Also realized if I buy something, I make sure to eat as much of it as possible…even if I’m not hungry.
- I get frustrated with myself on the days I choose more nutritious foods that actually leave me feeling satisfied and not hungry but as soon as I’m done, I’m obsessing about the need to keep eating so then I start snacking/binging on something else.
Things to share with my therapist tomorrow, March 14, 2022
1. 10 days of not being able to eat “normal” because of mouth/tooth issues was a huge stressor – I wanted to be pigging out (binging) and couldn’t… this made me pissed & obsess over food even more!
2. Angry at myself for the first day (the 12th) I could eat some normal food that I went CRAZY – Doritos, nuts, candy, frozen yogurt, and devouring big amounts of ‘regular’ food.
3. Because of dental issues and not eating “real” food for 10 days I feel so “lost” and like I’ve taken 100 steps backward now that I’m eating again and binging on more nutritious food too.
4. I get obsessed with one food and then eat it over and over and over for days and days and days. Then all of a sudden I won’t want or think about that food for a long time.
Thursday, March 14, 2022
Therapy day! She had us do an eating exercise (mindful eating I think it was called). I noticed some things:
- Eating in front of people I don’t really know makes me anxious – worry I’m being judged.
- Being present with my food was interesting – I played with it and felt the textures. I smelled it. I tasted it without woofing it down. I tasted raisins like I’ve never tasted them before!
- Being in the moment and actually aware of what I was putting in my mouth and paying attention to how my body felt/hunger level, etc. made me realize how “out of it” (numbing myself) I really am with food.
I thought for sure I’d “control” myself with food after a great session… of course I didn’t. I binged on crap and fast food. But tomorrow I’ll try again…
Tuesday, April 26, 2022
Fuck! I’m struggling.
I can’t stop binging on shit food that leaves me feeling like shit – headaches, muscle aches, stomach issues, bathroom issues (constipation or diarrhea).
Why the freaking fricking fuck do I keep eating even when I’m full? Why do I feel like I can’t get enough food? Why can’t I stop obsessing over food and wanting to devour everything in site?
I wonder if I’ll ever get this eating disorder under control? I mean fuck I’m 47, I should have my shit together and not be dealing with food issues.
Thursday, April 28, 2022
Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever get a grip on my eating disorder. I mean it seems so… hmm, unlikely I guess. I hate feeling so pessimistic about it, and it’s how I’m feeling.
There’s also a part of me that is scared to learn to recover from it. Why? Because it has been a part of my life for so long and it has served me some way, some how all these years.
And I wonder what happens when I recover… obsessive food thoughts, disordered eating, etc. have been the NORM my entire life so it’s a little scary thinking that when I recover, there won’t be this “norm” and I won’t know what to do.
How fucked up is that???
Monday, May 2, 2022
I’m still feeling frustrated with what I feel like is lack of progress. My eating is still pretty out of control and honestly some days I wonder if I even really care if anything changes.
Some days I feel like it’s too hard, overwhelming and complicated to fix this. And then other days I know that isn’t true – I know it is hard and takes action on my part and I really do want to change. But those days I don’t care, I really have a fuck it attitude and if I’m going to die anyway, at least I’ll die eating crap I like!
Then that makes me sad when I feel like that. It’s all just crazy mental fuckery. 🙁
—
There are no more journal entries after this. Thankfully, over $2,000 worth of dental work ended up being my saving grace because every time I thought about binging and purging I couldn’t stop thinking about all the money we put into my teeth (which interestingly, some of that dental work was needed because of the binging/purging – it’s horrible for your teeth and health, obviously) and it stopped me.
If you or someone you know is struggling with an eating disorder, know that you are not alone. There is help available and we can recover.
Eating Disorder Statistics
(source: Eating Recovery Center – please see their post for all the sources they pulled information from)
- 9% of the U.S. population, or 28.8 million Americans, will have an eating disorder in their lifetime.[1]
- 10,200 deaths each year are the direct result of an eating disorder – that’s one death every 52 minutes.[1]
- Less than 6% of people with eating disorders are medically diagnosed as “underweight.” [2]
- Approximately 9-24% of individuals in eating disorder treatment are also experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), likely leading to more severe eating disorder symptoms. [3]
- 13% of women over the age of 50 have eating disorder symptoms. [4]
- Approximately 3.6% of males on college campuses have an eating disorder. [5]
- The rate of children under 12 being admitted to a hospital for eating disorders rose 119% in less than a decade. [6]
- Approximately 6-8% of adolescents have an eating disorder. [7]
Online Resources Available
- Eating Recovery Center
- National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) – They offer a free confidential hotline Monday-Thursday 9:00 am EST – 9:00 pm EST and Friday, 9:00 am EST– 5:00 pm EST
- Call 1-800-931-2237
- Text “NEDA” to 741-741
- They also offer instant messaging
- Alsana – 24/7 eating recovery chat
I struggle with food. Reading your journal entries made me both hurt for you, and feel fear for me that I could slip down that slope. Thank you for being so vulnerable.
Thank you for taking the time to comment & be vulnerable in sharing that you too struggle with food, Conni! It’s such a challenging thing to deal with.
Thank you for sharing your journal entries with us, Tish. I’ve struggled with my weight since 2nd grade when my dysfunctional mother made me her “eating buddy.” As she stuffed herself in an effort to fill her emptiness, I learned to use food for self-medication. I’m an emotional eater who stuffs my face whenever I feel anxious or depressed, then I’m ashamed of myself. Reading your vulnerable post makes me feel less alone.
Thanks for stopping by to read and taking the time to leave a comment, Rena – I appreciate it 🙂 No matter the degree of food struggles we each face, it’s such a vicious cycle, isn’t it?!
Thank you for your post and providing resources, Tish!
I think it’s very unfair that when a component of an eating disorder is addiction, you don’t have the choice to just not eat.
Advice for alcohol and drug addicts? Abstain totally – not a drop. I would be very happy to just skip the whole food thing altogether, but we don’t get that choice.
Imagine how absurd it would be to tell an alcoholic to just stick to the healthier stuff like good wines, and only drink some at each meal – *three times a day*. It’s just as absurd for food, but we don’t have the choice to just cut food out of our lives.
Oh man, Lisa, I so agree about the not having a choice to just not eat. When I worked on my alcoholism, that was “easy” because, like you mentioned – just abstain, but this eating disorder is a whole new ballgame and it’s not as “easy” as just abstaining like I did with alcohol! Thanks for taking the time to comment – I appreciate it!
Tish, bless you for allowing yourself to open up and be so vulnerable in the hopes of helping someone else. My heart hurts for the struggles you have been through. Struggles that I imagine still haunt you every day. You are a brave, courageous women and I’m so grateful to know you. I learned a lot from this post. For instance, I never realized that fewer people with “binging and “purging” issues are under weight than overweight. It makes sense but sadly the ones that are typically highlighted are those that are underweight. It shouldn’t be that way when there are so many who are quietly screaming for help. Thank you again for your bravery and for reaching out to help others who struggle with eating disorders and encouraging them to seek help.
Thanks Terre for stopping by and leaving me a comment – much appreciated! I could probably write one whole post about plus size people and eating disorders. Because we’re plus-size people just automatically assume – of course you have an eating disorder, you’re fat. That’s a myth – one of many. I was trying to come up with something smart (in a good way lol) to your comment, but I got nothing – there’s just so much out there that isn’t talked about when it comes to plus-size people and eating disorders.
Thanks for sharing your story. I always feel like it’s wasting food and money if I don’t finish my meal.
I think a lot of us probably struggle with that. I know I do too. I’m way better about it now than I used to be. Curious if it’s because a lot of us were taught to eat everything on our plate before we could leave the table?!
I’ve never labeled myself as having an eating disorder out loud, but secretly I’ve wondered. You see I’m on oversized girl and being taped in the Army was a constant reminder of how food was the enemy.
I still sit and ask myself everyday almost every time I eat whether it’s too much or whether I’m eating the right types of food.
All I want to know is will I ever be at peace with it?
Hey Kim! It’s a process but I believe we can be at peace… somehow, someway, eventually!