Episode #004: Can You Be Both Body Positive & Body Neutral?

Hey. Hey. Hey. I am Tish. You're fat and fabulous host of the unapologetically fat podcast. You can find me on any app that supports podcasts like Apple, Amazon, Spotify,

and more. I would love it if you would subscribe and leave me a review. So I'm late releasing this episode this week, and it's because I was sick all week. So the day that I normally record and edit to get things published on Thursdays, I was just under the weather, so did not get that. Anyways and the other thing I wanted to mention is, once again, I'm releasing an episode that is not an episode that I had planned. I started saying what I was gonna be talking about the following week after I released an episode because I took a podcasting course, and that's what it said to do. Well, that's come back to bite me in the ass twice now because this is the second time that I said I was releasing an episode about something else and I didn't. So maybe I should just stop saying that.

Okay. Now that I've rambled about a whole lot of nothing, the reason that I am releasing an episode that is different than what I had planned is because in last week's episode, if you haven't listened, go and listen to that one. I shared about, you know, a stranger that I had met at the restaurant that I was having that I was gonna have breakfast at, and she had invited me to, you know, sit and have breakfast with her. I should probably cops stop calling her a stranger because I did share a meal with her, her, and her name is Jill. So she's not really a stranger anymore, but she kind of is. But that's neither here nor there. But, anyways, as we were having conversation and I was talking about what I did, she asked me a question that in the moment, I had an answer for her. But when we parted ways, I could not stop thinking about that question.

And that question, I don't wanna say tormented me, but it was just on my mind that entire day into the next day, and it still is coming up for me. And the question that she had asked me because I was telling her about everything that I did at unapologeticallyfat.com and, you know, what I talk about here on the podcast. And her question to me was, would you love, accept, and embrace yourself if you were in a bigger body? Because you're not that fat. I still get a kick out of the fact that somebody told me I'm not that fat because I have never heard that, before. But, anyways, in the moment, you know, I was like, yeah. Absolutely. I would because my loving and embracing and accepting myself has nothing to do with, you know, the size of my self has nothing to do with, you know, the size of my jeans or a number on the scale. And I don't even know what number is on the scale because I don't weigh myself.

So, yeah, that was my answer in the moment. And then, like I said, we parted ways, and I could not stop thinking about that question. And I, man, I feel like I'm gonna be repeating some things that I said in last week's episode because that just kind of needs to happen for this episode. So on the fat spectrum, yes, there is a fat spectrum. I'm considered a mid fat. And off the top of my head, I don't remember what it is, but it's like a US size women's size 20 to 24, if I remember correctly. So, yeah, I I'm a I guess you would say I'm a smaller fat. And the reason that this question tripped me up after I had started thinking about it was because I am in a smaller fat body.

So I just couldn't stop thinking about this question, and it just it really threw me into a I felt like I was in a very, like, weird emotional place. But my one of my best friends who is also my mindset coach, when I was chatting with her that night about this, you know, she said, I don't think you're in an emotional because I said I was, like, feeling like an emotional hot mess. And she said, you know, I don't think that you're an emotional hot mess. I think you're just allowing yourself to feel feelings and feelings can be messy. And, you know, the fact that, this question was causing me to have so many feelings was, I guess, maybe just because I I had never really thought about, you know, the fact that if I was in a fatter body, would I really truly a 100% be able to embrace, accept, and, you know, love my body the way that I do now? I don't know. Like, I still am tripped up by that question. And, you know, the next day after this experience had happened, I was driving back home from the beach because I was at the beach when I met Jill, and this all had happened. So I was driving, like, the 2 and a half hours back home, and there was some things that came up that I still am not ready to talk about.

But let's just say I have some mindset work to do around my my body still. Okay. So that's again, I feel like I'm kind of repeating some things that I said last week, but I needed to, you know, kind of, kind of share all that just to set the stage for what I'm talking about. So where I'm at now, we are you know, like, it's been a week now since this happened. And now what is coming up for me is so I'm all about body positivity. Like, that has been my messaging for the last couple years. The body positive movement was just a huge catalyst in getting me to the spot that I am today where I am comfortable in my fat body, and I take up space unapologetically. And I do embrace, accept, and love my big body.

But what is coming up now is there I still have days where I can look in the mirror and I can nitpick every little thing that I hate about my body. It's just way different today than it was years ago because I have grace with myself, and I have tools that I use to not stay stuck in that place of picking apart my body. But I really have started thinking about I can't love my body every day. There's just I don't think it's possible. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe there is somebody out there. Maybe it's you that you do love your body every day, and that's so freaking amazing. For me, personally, I don't think that that is a place that I will ever get to.

There's just you know, my body weight fluctuates and oh god. Okay. So this episode, I'm rambling, and I'm sorry. Mentioning, you know, my my weight fluctuates. Now I don't weigh myself, but last year, my doctor, doctor, who has never weighed me before, we both were talking about the massive amount of weight that I had lost. And the reason that I say massive amount is because it was coming off so quickly that I was having to buy new clothes pretty regularly. So my doctor asked me if she could weigh me if I stood on the stick scale backwards so that I didn't see the number because that would just fuck with my head and my eating disorder. So, she had weighed me, and we, you know, started tracking the weight that I was losing.

And it ended up being, like, £46 in I don't even remember how many months, but it was a significant amount. And it was I wasn't trying to do it. So it was to the point I was having tons of gut issues, and I was going to the bathroom all the time. Like, I was shitting my brains out, like, literally. And, anyways, you know, we did a bunch of testing to, you know, kind of rule this and that out. And, one of the things that had even come up in conversation was cancer. Thank god it wasn't that. I ended up being diagnosed with irritable bowel syndrome diarrhea.

So, we just kind of decided for me to kind of pay attention to things that I was eating that was causing me to have more bathroom issues, yada yada yada. Anyways, I went through that. It ended up, like, finally clearing up, and, of course, all the weight came back and probably some more. I don't know. I don't care. But so now I'm in a flare up again, and it's been about 6 weeks. And, again, the doctor's having me stand on the scale backwards so that she can track, you know, like, the amount that I lose. And we are talking about medication.

Again, I'm stubborn. My body reacts weird. I don't wanna be on medication. But if it continues the way that it is, I will have to be on medication. But, it's been it's, like, £20 that I've lost in, like, 6 weeks. So this all really fucks with my head. Like, even though I don't know the number on the scale, like, knowing that I have lost weight, it's just a mental mind fuck. How can I be so in love and so accepting and embrace my big beautiful body, but yet love the fact that I am losing weight? I love the changes that are happening.

And all the while, I know that this is happening. I know exactly what's going to happen once the irritable bowel syndrome clears up and it you know, I'm back to being my body being normal and not having bathroom issues. The weight's gonna come back. It it's going to. And what happened last time was I ended up being really frustrated and really sad that the weight came back. And it was really hard for me to accept the fact that I was grieving the fact that weight had came back onto my body. So I'm sharing that because, you know, my body does fluctuate, and I do still struggle with just the the mental stuff that's happening when my body does fluctuate. So all of this has been playing into you know, I think about the days that, I don't like my body and how I feel about that.

And on those days, there is no freaking possible way that I am body positive. Yeah. It just does not work for me. So on those days, I, you know, I was trying to think, well, what can I do on those days? So interestingly, the episode that was supposed to be published this week was about body neutrality, and that's what, I'm leaning towards. So I'm questioning whether, you know, I'm still body positive or if I wanna lean into just being the body neutrality and being neutral about my body. And this is just causing, like, a whole lot of mental mind craziness because I'm like, no. I have been all about body positivity and, like, that's been my messaging for, oh my gosh, like, 5 years now. How can I suddenly be like, no? I don't I don't wanna be body positive anymore.

I just wanna be neutral about my body. Then that sent me into a whole another whirlwind of thoughts. And I was like, why can't I be body positive and body neutral? On the days that I do love and embrace and accept my big beautiful body, why can't I practice the body positivity on those days? And then the days where I'm not so in love with my body, why can't I practice being body neutral? And just knowing that my body is good regardless of what it looks like or how I'm feeling about it. So, yeah, this episode can't say there's one takeaway for you to walk away from this episode with. I just wanted to record it because sometimes I just wanna share the freaking crazy ass thoughts that are running through my head. So I guess I'll leave you today with the question. Do you think you can be body positive? Can you practice body positivity and body neutrality? That's the question I'm leaving you with today.